Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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