im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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