dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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