Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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