The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
