shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
