hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
