It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
