i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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