you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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