"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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