By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
