Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
