If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
