I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
As shirtless as possible
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
