I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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