you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
