just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
sarcasm needs its own font
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
