I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You left your phone here
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