After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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