Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
