Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize