I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My ATM looks so different sober.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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