I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
