Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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