I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
