On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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