i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize