the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
