Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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