The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
