Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
