I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
