i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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