Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
