There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
