If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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