I just threw up on my dentist
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
