just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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