What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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