I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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