when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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