We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
