I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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