He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
