The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
