bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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