you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
