So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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