i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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