Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
