dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize