i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
