I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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