we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
