it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
