ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
