Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
