How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
