It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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