is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
