I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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